What Did You Do This Time
by mmichelle97219
Summary: A series of short stories celebrating and lamenting the ups and downs of living in a large family. Join Carlisle and Esme on their adventure of raising six rowdy, energetic head strong children with clashing personalities. There will be no romantic pairings other than C&E.
1. Chapter 1

_Dear Reader,_

_First let me say thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it. Just for some clarification these are a series of family one shots. The idea being what if 1) everyone was human and 2) Carlisle and Esme were parents of a very large family. That is the point of these shorts. Family stories with the Cullen kids (even Bella) are teens to toddlers. I hope you enjoy them and perhaps share some of your family stories and ideas with me. You never know what you'll inspire.  
Thanks so much_

_Michelle_

**Chapter 1: I should Have Stayed In Bed**

**Esme**

"Why is the cat in the refrigerator?"

I take the cat off the shelf, where she was enjoying herself with the butter, and close the door. I don't even know why I bother asking. I know no one is going to give me any sort of an answer. I should have gotten up earlier instead of staying in bed that extra half hour. Oh well, it is Saturday, and Carlisle had to go to work.

I start the coffee and wander back into the living room. The morning music fills the air, and I can hear the arguing coming from the bedrooms already.

"That is my shirt, and I didn't give you permission to wear it!"

"Well, it looks better on me!"

I ignore the commotion from the first bedroom, and keep walking down the hallway.

"I don't care if you want to give me $100. You still owe me from last time, and I am not making up your bed!"

The second bedroom wasn't sounding any better. I quicken my steps so I will not be noticed. My son, Emmett, pops out of the third door.

"Hi, Mom. Look I got dressed all by myself."

The curly-headed kindergartener was dressed in Spiderman swim trunks, a bright gold and red Christmas sweater, and black socks with summer sandals.

"I can see that. You look good."

"Thanks! Can I have breakfast?"

"Can I get dressed first?"

"Sure."

I start walking to my room again, and notice he is following me.

"I can get dressed all by myself."

"I know."

"That means you can go away."

"But I want to talk to you."

"I'll talk to you after I get dressed. Why don't you go feed the dogs."

"Okay, Momma."

Off he runs, and I close my bedroom door and take a deep breath. Morning comes too early these days. The arguing from the other rooms comes trickling in under my door. Why does each morning start this way? Because they are kids, and they'll outgrow it after they move away. Yea, like that will ever happen.

I love my children, and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything, but there are days I wish I was deaf or they were mute.

I don't even bother with a bra today, and throw on a pair of sweat pants and one of my husband's T-shirts. There is no use in getting dolled up. The floors need scrubbing today, as well as the walls and the bathrooms.

"Mom?" Emmett opens my door a crack and pops his head in.

"What did I tell you about knocking?"

"You said I should knock before coming into your room."

"Did you knock?"

"No, but you said I should, not that I HAD to."

"Alright, smart butt. Next time knock."

"Okay, Momma." His voice has that tiny hint of defeat in it that only small children and the elderly can pull off well.

"So, what do you want?" I pat him on the head and leave the bedroom. My small companion follows.

"I want breakfast."

"Well, I want a million dollars."

"If I give you a million dollars, will you make me breakfast?"

"If you got real money."

"There is a lot of money in the Monopoly game."

"I guess that'll do. Come on let's get breakfast started."

Emmett and I enter the kitchen and take a survey of the cupboard. There is oatmeal, pancake mix, and a variety of cold cereals. None of them, however, are very appealing to me at the moment, so I fix myself a cup of coffee.

"Can I have coffee too?"

"No, right now coffee is just for me and Dad."

In the middle of my first sip my daughter, Rosalie, runs into the kitchen.

"Mom! You have to come quick!" Her big blue eyes are enlarged in panic.

"What happened this time?" I can't even fake that I am interested in what happened. Something tells me I don't even want to know.

"Alice is stuck in the toilet." As soon as the words are out of her mouth, Emmett starts to giggle.

"What?!"

"Alice went to sit on the toilet, and someone, " her eyes fix on Emmett, "left the seat up so she fell in."

"Well then, help her out."

"I tried," that annoying whine was starting to infiltrate her voice, "but she is wedged in there or something cause I can't get her out."

"Great." Exasperated I put down my cup of coffee. This is just how I love to start the day.

"Mom!" Edward heads straight for me. "Mom!"

"What?"

"I can't find my sheet music!"

"Go look for it. I can't help you right now. Your sister is stuck in the toilet."

A huge smile takes over Edward's face, and it is very apparent that he is trying not to laugh.

"Go fix your brother some breakfast, while I go help Alice." He gives me that do-I-have-to look. "Today, Edward."

"Come on!" Edward grabs her brother and takes him into the kitchen.

I continue on into the bathroom. I can hear Alice sobbing way before I step into the bathroom. Alice always seems to take things to the crying stage.

"Mom, I'm stuck in the toilet, and I can't get out." She is now entering the hysterical phase.

"Well, you can take a shower once I get you out of there. How did this happen? Didn't you notice the seat was up?" Well that was a stupid question. If she had noticed she would have put it down.

"I wasn't awake yet, Mom, and I had to go!"

"Well, next time go potty with your eyes open."

I wrap my arms around her, and tug. The toilet will not release her.

Rosalie lets out a huge sigh. "I did that already," she proclaims in an I-told-you-so sort of tone.

I shoot her the shut-up-and-go-away look, which seems to work on her. I turn my attention back to Alice.

"I am going to try something else." Alice crying in huge hiccups now shakes her head 'yes' in acknowledgement. "Jasper!" I shout my son's name which compels him to come to the door. "I want you to go into the kitchen, and bring me the cooking spray."

"Why?"

"Because I said so. Now go get it." Why do they do that? Why can I not just tell them to do something, and they do it, and that be that?

Jasper returns with the can in hand. "What are you going to do, cook her?"

"No!" screams Alice in another fit of hysterics.

"I am not going to cook you. Thanks a lot! Go eat breakfast."

Jasper starts to walk off. "Don't let the toilet goblin get ya, Alice," he calls out as she leaves.

"I don't want the toilet goblin to get me, Mom!" she wails loudly.

"There is no toilet goblin. He is just trying to upset you." I start to spray the cooking spray on the bits of my daughter touching the toilet.

"I don't want it to eat me!"

"Will you stop screaming in my ear? There is no goddamn toilet goblin!" I instantly regret that statement, but it gets her to stop crying.

"MOM!"

"What?" I answer as I finish lubricating the small girl.

"You said a bad word."

"I know. Let's not make a big deal out of it. Now let's get you out of here. Put your arms around my neck." Alice's small arms wrap themselves around my neck, as I wrap mine about her body. "Okay, on three I am gonna pull. Count with me.. One...Two.. Three." I yank as hard as I can, and with a large popping sound she is freed from the toilet.

"Gross! There's poop in there!" Bella announces loudly, her head poking into the bathroom at the door.

"Well, she wasn't sitting on the toilet for nothing," I tell her. I turn around and start the shower water as Alice flushes the toilet. "Take a shower and you'll feel better," I tell Alice. "Now what do you want?" I say, addressing Bella.

"I don't know what they are supposed to be doing in the kitchen, but Emmett told Edward that if he doesn't give him some cereal he is going to pee on him."

Why did Carlisle have to go volunteer to work on Saturday? Why didn't I go with him? Bella gives me a look that means she understands I am close to breaking and walks away. Alice climbs into the shower, and I let out a large sigh as I put the toilet lid down and sit on it.

Why did I bother to get out of bed today?


	2. Chapter 2

**Underpants and Suspenders**

**Carlisle POV**

It was a normal autumn day. My son, Emmett, had just arrived home from a half day of kindergarten. The fall leaves blew in the wind, danced in the sky, before cascading onto the rain-slicked sidewalk. My three dogs were running in and out the house through the dog door, tracking mud all over the hardwood floors. Esme had gone grocery shopping alone, leaving me home to care for Emmett. It was nothing I couldn't handle.

I had been typing all morning in a desperate attempt to finish an article hospital newsletter on the new policies concerning employee benefits that were being instituted. Editing should not take me too long, so I popped a movie in to the DVD player, and sat my son on the couch with a peanut butter sandwich. He promised to not get into anything. My boy could be a handful when left to his own devices, but I was confident the editing would not take long, and that the movie would occupy him without me supervising.

I went back into my office, and began to go over my article with a microscope. A few phone calls interrupted, but mostly undisturbed, I engrossed myself into my work. Green pen in hand I tore my article apart, and proudly reconstructed it.

Finally, looking at the clock on my office wall, I noticed that two hours had just skipped by. How did that happen? The house was still, and I realized my son's movie had been over for quite some time. What was the little angel up to? Everything was too quiet for anything good to happen. I should give him a chance though. Maybe the angel-in-training had just fallen asleep.

I walked into the living room to see that the movie was starting again, and there were no dogs or son there. The room-to-room search began. No Emmett in his room, the girls' room, my room, the bathroom, or the kitchen, and then I heard a yelp.

"Dad! Dad, help me!" It was not a cry of pain, but one of panic.

"Where are you, Emmett?" I hollered trying to get a grasp of where he was.

"In here, Dad!" It was coming from the Jasper and Edward's room. Why hadn't I checked there?

Upon entering the room, I was not prepared for what I saw. My son was wearing only his underpants, which were hooked to suspenders, which were tied to the top of the bunk bed. My son was dangling, butt and legs in air, arms swinging, trying to free himself. As I entered, his large brown eyes looked up.

"Hi, Dad, I'm stuck."

"What are you doing?"

"Bungee jumping, but I got stuck. These suspenders don't bounce much."

I walked over to unhook his underpants from the suspenders. Holding my son upside down, I almost dropped him. He started giggling as he passed gas in my sloppy embrace.

"I farted!"

"Yeah, I noticed. Come on into my room, Emmett. We need to have a talk."

For the next hour or so, my son explained how he had watched some movie called Jackass when he was alone with Edward and Jasper. I got all the gory details on bungee jumping in underwear, placing raw chicken meat in your butt then teasing alligators, and all sorts of other stupid acts. Emmett made it sound as if it was the best piece of cinematography ever produced.

Emmett went on to explain how his brothers had hooked his wagon to their bikes and went jumping small hills on the path through the woods behind our house. He was proud that he thought to wear the dirt bike helmet his uncle gave him. I was holding back comments as I heard about jumping off the garage into an inflatable mattress below. He laughed as he described being placed in the dog harness with a rope attached to it only to be lowered into the neighbor's yard to steal apples from their tree.

Although I could chalk it up to boys being boys, and I should be happy the older boys included their five-year-old brother in their activities. I had a feeling my wife would have a different mindset. I was positive these activities were not what their mother had in mind when she asked the boys to keep an eye on their brother. I would definitely have to sit down with the boys and talk about their covert extreme sports.

As for Emmett, we made a deal. There would be no more crazy stunts to be performed without grown-up supervision, for safety of course. Edward and Jasper did not qualify as grownups, and we made a list of acceptable substitutes for Dad. We would try to keep this stuff secret from Mom. She just wouldn't understand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Esme  
***************************************

"Mom!" The scream echoed through the rooms of the house, as I calmly tried to ignore the command. "Mom!" The voice was coming closer, and I just continued to change the sheets on my bed. The herd of children burst into my room.

"Mom," Alice talked a little out of breath from her frantic search for me. "Mom, you got to let us have a kitten."

"You guys were screaming loud enough to wake the dead to ask for a kitten?" I could not believe my ears. Yes, I could. My kids collect animals like most women collect shoes.

"Yea, can we have one, or a couple?" Rosalie asked. "You'd be saving their lives."

"Really, and how would that work exactly?" This was going to be a good one. These life and death rescues usually were when told by my creative bunch.

"They're gonna be snake food," a weak soft voice whimpered from the back of the pack. It was my son, Emmett. His face was stained with recent tears, and he looked like he was ready to start again. "The lady is going to give them to her son to feed to the giant snake." The tears started falling, and I took him in my arms.

"Which one of these girls told you they were going to feed kitties to a snake?"

"The lady with the kitties." I checked the expression on his face for any hint of a joke.

"It's true, Mom. If she can't find a home for the last three kitties, she is going to let the guy have them to feed his giant python," Bella added. She was close to tears as well. "We have to save them."

Great, not only did I have a bunch of kids convinced someone was feeding kittens to a snake, but that they could save the baby cats from being eaten. I looked to my eldest son for clarification.

"Jasper, what is going on?"

"Mrs. Alder had a stray cat have babies under her porch. She managed to find homes for all but three of them. While we were looking at them a man, I think it was her son, said that he would take the leftovers to feed his pet snake. He has that really big one that was at Mrs. Alder's last summer." He answered.

"The one that was longer than I am tall?" I asked.

"Yea, and it has gotten bigger. He buys bunnies to feed it, but he said that free kittens would save him some money. Mrs. Alder said if she couldn't find them a home by the end of the week he could take them." Jasper continued.

Everything was clear now, and my kids were counting on me to rescue these kitties.

"You guys realize we have enough animals, right," I looked them all in the eyes. They were close to tears. I could see the water well up on their droopy faces. "We have two cats already, two dogs..."

"Dad says they're not real dogs because the cats are bigger than they are," Alice interjected.

"...TWO dogs, two gerbils, a leopard gecko and a tank full of fish. Don't you think that is enough?"

"Mom!" Voices started pummeling me with a missile attack of protest.

"They're gonna be eaten!"

"They're just babies!"

"They're so cute!"

"Mom, we gotta save them!"

"Alright Already!" I shouted above the din in an effort to produce some sort of control. "I will go talk to Mrs. Alder and figure out what is going on. Happy?"

A cheer went through my own little mob, as they knew Mom would make everything right with the world.

"But while I am doing that, you guys need to finish changing the sheets on the beds."

A flurry of activity created its own tornado of energy. The kids didn't want anything to change my mind about talking to Mrs. Alder. I left them changing sheets, and went to talk to our neighbor. Mrs. Alder was waiting for me on her porch. She knew I would be over as soon as the kids left her place.

"Hey, Peggy, what is going on? My kids came home crying about you feeding baby cats to a snake." I said as I sat down next to her.

A sad smile crossed her face, and a deep sigh escaped her lips. "Well I have three kitties left from when that stray had her litter under my porch, and my son asked if he could have them for his snake. I told him he could if I didn't find them a good home." She said as she handed me a cup of lemonade.

"I see. I just wish the kids didn't know about it. I know it is a natural thing, but now they are all upset. They want me to bring the babies home. I guess I should take a look." That was my second and biggest mistake. The first was agreeing to talk to Peggy.

I walked behind Mrs. Alder as she showed me where they were. Inside a wicker basket lined with a duck covered baby blanket were three gray balls of fur. One had tabby stripes. One was all gray except for a mask of white about the eyes, and the last was gray with barely-there tiger stripes and little white feet.

"Take us home," they mewed at me expectantly.

"How old are they?" I asked.

"They are six weeks old today. They're already using the litter box and cat food. Their mom isn't too interested in taking care of them so weaning them a bit early was not hard."

I stared at the basket and watched the little darlings attack each other in play. I should have never come over. I should have put my foot down. I should have never peeked at them. Looking into their wide bright eyes, I could now not let them become snake food.

"I guess they can come home with me," I sighed as I gave in. One of my nieces had a birthday coming up maybe I could pawn one off with her. My brother can't say no when I give it to her as a present in front of everyone at her birthday party. Besides it will be good payback for him giving Jasper that crossbow for his twelfth birthday. Really who give a twelve-year-old a deadly weapon as a present?

"I knew you would," Mrs. Alder giggled as she handed them to me.

"Well you owe me. Next time a stray has a litter just give them to the snake, and don't let my kids know about it." I told Peggy as I swatted her in the arm and picked the three babies up.

"Fair enough." she answered with a smile.

The kitties climbed onto my shoulder, and clung to my chest. Little kitty claws were digging deep into my skin. As I walked to my front door, I could see six pairs of eyes looking at me from the window.

"She brought them home," someone yelled from inside.

Later that evening, when my husband came home, the kids jumped at the chance to tell him about the new family members.

"Why in the world did you take in three more cats?" he asked me a little disgusted. "Don't we have enough to feed already?"

"But they were going to be snake food!" I answered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended**

My nephew, from my sister, Elizabeth, came to live with me when he turned thirteen. My sister was having some health problems, and the boy just seemed too much to handle for her. I agreed to let him stay one school year.

The geographical adjustment didn't seem to faze Felix. Coming from Maine to live with me in rural Washington wasn't that different. Where we clashed was on behaviors. Apparently I am a lot stricter than my sister, and my husband shared my views. We would only allow him to register for one sport per term. Grades and school being a priority, we checked all his homework and talked to his teachers. We knew the names, phone numbers, and addresses of all his friends, and checked up on him to see if he was where he said he was. In other words, he was treated as one of my own children.

The biggest adjustment for me was the bathroom. He would spend hours in there, and I thought the girls were bad. I swear he would stay in the shower for an hour. It didn't take long for me to figure out what he was doing in there, after I walked in and said I wasn't waiting any longer to get my medication, and caught him in the act.

Well let me take the time to state, for the record, that masturbation does not bother me. I understand that when boys hit puberty that it may become a focus in their lives. I just didn't know how to handle it. It is a topic I did not have to address with my boys. I made Carlisle do that. Ok I admit it, I took the coward's way out of that discussion. Then again I was prepared to handle the girls on the subject, if for nothing else to save my husband's sanity.

My husband planned the big talk with all the boys, except Emmett who was only five, and afterwards it seemed to help. I no longer had to threaten to walk into the bathroom just to get into the bathroom. I thought it was all handled. Imagine my surprise when a couple of weeks later he wanted to talk to me.

"Aunt Esme?"

"Yeah, honey."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, Felix, you can ask me anything." Never say that unless you mean it. I thought I meant it.

"Uncle Carlisle said it would be OK with him if it was OK with you..."

"Ok for what?" I was eyeballing him suspiciously now.

"If I can watch a porno."

Do you ever get the feeling that someone is standing on your chest, and the person would get off if you only told him to, but you can't because you can't breathe? That was my moment. Now I didn't watch pornos, but I knew Carlisle's brother Garrett had given him some. They didn't offend me, but they didn't do anything for me either. I was trying to be the cool aunt. The smart, intelligent, hip aunt that was way cooler than mom, but the moment had me stumped. How was I going to answer? I didn't know myself until the words slipped from my lips.

"Sure..." I started.

"REALLY!" The puzzled and elated look on his face was contagious. I was trying to act like I was too cool for school.

"Yeah, you can watch them, but..."

"But what?" The tone in his voice said he was waiting for the no.

"But grandma or I have to watch it with you."

His whole body stiffened. "You're joking right?"

"No, I'm not. You can watch any porno you want as long as me, or Grandma, or both of us watch it with you. We're girls. We can explain things to you like what they're doing wrong."

Felix got real quiet. I could tell he was trying to come up with an out, and still watch his movie.

"How about if I watch it with Uncle Carlisle?"

"Nope me, grandma or nothing," My nephew left the room. Silent in his demeanor, he had been given the keys, but to a Moped instead of a Corvette.

The subject never came up again. He asked plenty of questions throughout his stay with us, but none took me by surprise like that one did. I guess I am ready for anything now.

author's note:

Before anyone asks, Yes this did happen bu between my mom and my older brother. I don't know who was more mortified my brother or my mom. I tell ya what though being the second oldest of 13 kids my brother still gets teased about to this day on occassion and he is 47 now. Some things you can just not live down.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think.

Michelle


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